By Miss T
It’s men who are always obsessed with sex. It’s this that we get to hear most often, be it from friends, from talk-show experts, or TV sitcoms. Though the situation in real life can be vastly different. For instance, there might be situations when its you who is craving for a deeper sexual intimacy while your partner has other things in his mind. He might not be eager to get physical as often as you would like, or worse still, he may have lost all interest in sex. If this is what that has been plaguing you for a while, there’s no reason to be disappointed. For with help from experts in this field, you can certainly bring your love life back on track.
Chances are that both of you started out on a strong note after marriage. Keeping your hands off each other was simply unimaginable back then, though it’s exactly what both of you have landed up in. Or perhaps your partner was a bit lazy in his sexual activities all along, which you had presumed would change for the better with each act. It just got worse.
This leaves the entire thing to be a one-sided affair, with it’s you who is always taking the initiative, one who is always caring. The occasional fights are putting a strain on you while the loneliness is making things all the more difficult. And yet, your partner seems to be oblivious of it all. Several things crop up in your mind, like is he getting it alright and is doing it deliberately just to punish you, whether you are in to something wrong or you aren’t attractive enough in his eyes. It’s a strange sort of a dilemma, as to how to deal with a man who is willing to do just about anything for you, except making love to you.
The reason for your husband to act the way he is doing is perhaps he is dogged by issues that is much more personal to him, such as depression or stress that is taking a toll on his sexual drive. Chances are that he is having a physical problem as well – like an illness, obesity or pills.com/clicks/clickthrough.html?a=106420&t=hlb_lowlibido” target=”_blank”>inability to maintain erection, etc. Also, reasons like unresolved feelings of anger, sense of resentment, and hurt that can make women to lose interest in sex are equally applicable to men as well.
You can also derive console from the fact that your husband isn’t as unusual as you might suspect him to be. In fact, what experienced couple’s therapists have to say is even more startling, that a low sexual desire among men is America’s most lesser known secrets.
If you think your husband’s low sexual urge has something to do with biology or personal issues, a visit to a doctor or a therapist is highly recommended. But if he refuses to admit there’s a problem with him, there are still a lot of things that you yourself can do, just to bring in the heat in your relationship once more. However, there’s no one universal solution for pills.com/clicks/clickthrough.html?a=106420&t=hlb_lowlibido” target=”_blank”>boosting your husband’s sexual desire. So, there is no point getting bogged down trying to figure out where to start. Instead, just start anywhere.
Emphasize more on the exceptions
One thing that therapists will always ask couples is the difference they feel about the times when they are getting along better, or what each of them are doing differently. Common reaction of the people is to get stuck, which is a sign of them not paying enough attention to the times that are relatively problem free. They believe problem free times to be just flukes though the truth is that good times just don’t happen. Its only when at least one partner is doing something differently that the going gets better.
An interesting case is that of John who was getting bored of sex. When enquired about the things that have changed, his wife Maria revealed that sex used to be spontaneous for them before they had kids. After having kids, things have changed drastically for them so that now they have resorted to have planned sex dates, which though was a turnoff for John. The other thing that Maria said she did was to indulge in dirty talking when they had sex. She would send erotic e-mails to him, which she has stopped doing because John was no longer interested in her sexually. This however was extremely effective in the past as her dirty talking was enough to fire up John.
Executing two simple steps is all that was needed to bring in a degree of freshness in their sex life. First was to find ways to bring back the spontaneity in their sex life. For this, Maria got her kids invited at their friend’s houses for sleepovers without letting John know of it. When he returned home, she seduced him with lingerie along with a raunchy video. She also made the best use of her surefire technique, that of talking dirty to heat things up all the more. And once she was sure of the efficacy of her old trick, putting aside her resentment for the sake of sexual satisfaction was just waiting to happen.
Resist from repeating the same thing over and over again
A common reaction whenever we are faced with a problem in life is to try and fix it. However, if that doesn’t work out the way we would like it to be, we often attribute the failure to our lack of commitment or determination and get about fixing the error with a renewed zeal. Unfortunately, what we don’t think is that if things don’t work, its time to try out something different. And by doing more of a thing that hasn’t been working can be disastrous, as things don’t remain the same as the common perception is, rather they turn worse.
Similarly, when faced with the situation of your husband withdrawing himself sexually, you perhaps did what most women will tend to do, to talk to him about it. Chances are that he was receptive of what you had to say, which perhaps made you to realize the problem was solved and that he would be more amorous in the bedroom. When that was not to be, you probably thought that more talk about it was needed. This time, however you find him to be not as receptive and patient. On the contrary, this may make him annoyed and irritated with all of it resulting into a heated argument, instead of it being a heart-to-heart discussion.
This prompts you to try again and again, each time trying to be different – like bringing up the discussion at a different time of the day, or finding a new way into it, say mixing it with humor or pleading and so on. However, while you may be under the impression that you are attacking the same problem from a different angle each time, unfortunately that’s not the case. That you are hitting the same dead end each time is ample proof of that. And the more effort you put into it, the worse things turn out to be.
While talking can be termed as a classic behavior that almost all women indulge in, what you got to realize is that your actions too can be more of the same as well. The temptation to get into a skimpy dress just to seduce your husband may be the most logical approach that most women will find it hard to resist. But where most women loose out is to keep a tab on how their partners might be reacting to their bold dress sense. If the sight of you dressed in lingerie makes your low libido husband feel uneasy, repeating the same act again and again can only make him all the more frustrated.
And if you still can’t make out where you are going wrong, try to figure out what your husband might be saying of your actions that leaves him irritated and anxious.
Try to include variety
As far as relationships are concerned, we are often reduced to playing the role of an automatic pilot, interacting with others in a spontaneous manner without reflecting much on what we are doing or saying. It is only when something different occurs that it makes us to sit up and realize that it’s time we respond in a new way.
Take for instance the case of Sasha and Pete, a working couple with busy schedules that left them with time to enjoy sex only on weekends. This worked out fine for them until monetary matters started creating friction between them. The end result was that they would fight every Friday night. And because their weekends began on a not so pleasant note, the next two days were miserable and without sex.
The pattern continued for two months, when on one Friday night things started out on a different note. When Pete began the usual conversation about money, Sasha gave it a patient hearing instead of putting up a strong protest, as the norm had been in the preceding months. She said that while she really understood the point, she is too tired to think over it and that they should wait till Sunday to ponder over it. Taken by surprise by the different response, Pete readily complied with her.
Both Pete and Sasha went out for dinner that night and had a nice time together. On Saturday, they went to a movie and really enjoyed themselves. With things slowly falling into place, Sasha decided to make a move sexually. Pete responded to her positively and it was their first sexual encounter in over two months. By Sunday, both of them felt a lot better in each other’s company, something that was missing for a long time. And the entire thing can be attributed to a simple change in Sasha’s behavior that brought them close to each other once more.
Figuring out how things can be done differently isn’t as difficult as one might think it to be. Reminding yourself of your more-of-the-same behavior and to make it a point to do something different no matter how weird or crazy it may be can make it all the more simpler. The result might not be there to be seen instantaneously but it’s really worth to be patient and calm. It may take a day or two, perhaps even more but change will eventually set in. You just have to be vigilant enough to pick up small signs of changes.
How the seesaw effect can help improve your relationship
It’s just human nature to counterbalance one another. For instance, the more you indulge in some task or act a certain way, the less your husband is likely to do it. It’s a sort of a seesaw affect that is applicable in all areas of our relationship. If it is your husband who is in sole charge of all financial aspects of the family than you won’t be thinking of money matters. Similarly, if you happen to be the emotional one in your relationship, your husband is likely to keep all his feelings to himself.
In many relationships, couples have been found to start off on an equal note as far as their sexual urges are concerned. With passage of time, one partner begins to loose interest in sex, which can be due to overwork, fatigue, or a preoccupation with something else. This prods the other person to put in more effort in order to keep their sex life on track. When these efforts are not duly reciprocated than all of a sudden sex becomes everything for the sex-deprived partner. And the more the sex-starved partner tries to initiates sexual activity, the less the lower-desire spouse will want to pills.com/clicks/clickthrough.html?a=106420&t=hlb_lowlibido” target=”_blank”>indulge in lovemaking.
So if it’s you who is always trying to rekindle your sex life, your husband will become used to it. He knows you are there to take the lead each time. If you want things to change a bit, you will have to consider stepping back just to let him know that you are not going to be pursuing him. This will allow him a chance to take the lead without feeling pressured.
A similar case is that of Laura and her husband, Daniel. Amongst them, it was Laura who would approach Daniel for sex, he would reject, which would make her angry, and then a few days later, he would approach her. Their problem was that Laura thought that his asking her for sex was only out of a sense of obligation — and that he wasn’t fully committed to having sex. Yet Laura believed that this was their only way to being sexually close to each other and that’s the reason for her to continue doing what she has been doing all along. This, in spite of the fact that sex was never truly satisfying for her.
Laura devised a new strategy after coming to know of the seesaw effect. She proposed sex with Daniel, which was turned down as usual. As she had predicted, two days later it was Daniel who began making the first move. One night when both of them were sharing the same couch, sitting next to each other, he started to rub her thighs. Daniel thought she would respond sexually, but was startled when it was she who turned down his advances. Mistaking it to be a joke, Daniel continued with his act, which prompted Laura to ask him to stop it, as she was not in the mood and to try it some other time. A stunned Daniel asked if everything was ok, which of course was.
The very next day, Laura was quite taken aback when she received an e-mail from Daniel laced with sexual undertones — something that took place early in their marriage though it had stopped for many years. Laura held back her temptation to make a similar response. After a few more of Daniel ’s sexual advances which Laura had declined, she finally decided to give in and they made love. The wait was worth it as it really boosted Daniel ’s enthusiasm for sex. He put in more effort into it and for them, it was no more a case of just going through the motions. Both of them felt connected and really turned on. Laura can’t make out how her holding back made a difference to Daniel, but it did. It wasn’t easy for her either as she was worried if too much of resistance would make him even more low-key sexually, though it’s just the opposite that happened.
Much like Laura, you also might be worrying that any new approach that you adopt can backfire. It’s never easy to break free of old patterns, though the fact is there’s nothing to lose but everything to gain. So it’s best to keep all your fears aside and try to be your creative best. And you can derive inspiration from this: By trying to create more love, connection, sexuality, sensuality, and affection, you’ve shown yourself to be a woman who fights for what’s important in life and love.
XOXO
Miss T
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